By Talia Ralph
Almost a year ago, I graduated law school, which was the most grueling, mentally unhealthy three years of my entire life. I also experienced and accomplished a lot of cool, meaningful things, but that is not the point of this story.
The point of this story is that, in order to be a practicing lawyer, you have to pass “the bar”, AKA a giant exam which tests your knowledge of every single area of the law. It is as emotionally trying as law school, for a shorter amount of time but with much higher stakes.
While I briefly enjoyed the lightened feeling of having a huge weight off my shoulders when I got handed my diplomas, and again when I got hired for my first *real law job*, any good vibes about both of these accomplishments were quickly replaced by a never-ending loop of anxiety about the bar exam. Did I mention my anxiety meds? The ones I started taking in law school, increasing my dosage three times to the MAX amount you are allowed to have? Yeah, I started to suspect that they stopped working, which is apparently not possible for these drugs, according to my doctor and therapist.
The Ontario bar is a two-part exam. Each one is eight hours long. They give you access to the materials, which are thousands of pages long, roughly two months before the exam. I got my materials for the first part of the exam in January. Because I work full-time, I figured I could reasonably clock 10 to 15 hours of studying a week, or 10 pages an hour.
So there I was, braving the Canadian winter AND emotionally back in law school again, but also working 8 to 10 hour days.
Like the type-A nut bag I am, I started waking up at 6am to get in a couple hours of studying before work.
I studied on the early-morning train,
in the breakroom at work on my lunch break,
over a bowl of Kraft Dinner or cereal at night.
Weekends were either littered with guilt about not studying more, or full of tuned-out reading.
Despite all of this, I was always, always behind by hundreds of pages. As it turns out, reading 10 pages an hour about the tax system is physically impossible. But I tried like hell to make it happen.
I was supposed to take part one of my exam on March 17, 2020. I guess you probably know what happens next.
...Yeah, they cancelled the exam. They also cancelled part two, slated for June. Both have yet to be rescheduled.
I have been marinating in this soup of uncertainty since mid-March. I have already forgotten half of the material I have studied. Instead of reviewing inheritance law as I wait for the retake date to drop, I play this torturous game of 20 questions -- but instead of “yes” or “no”, the answers are ephemeral at best.
Do I still want to take the bar? Do I still want to be a lawyer? Is the universe sending me a message about cutting my losses and becoming an art therapist? Or do I stick it out and make those three brutal years worth it? What about all the things I wanted to do with a law license? Can I just be chiller about this!?
Whenever I think about it, my stomach knots itself up. All those questions and a thousand more go through my head. And then I give myself the only answer I have:
“We’re not sure yet. And that’s gonna have to be okay for today, you little nut bag.”
Talia is a food obsessive, forever journalist, and almost-lawyer currently quarantining in Montreal with her fiancée and cunucu pup Winter. Her work outfits consist largely of blazers and slippers.