By Abby Walker
I saw this cartoon from the great Len.10.10 and immediately I was like meeeee, that’s the one I want! Because yes, duh, of course I’m amazing. I’m a cool girl! Celebration! Then I had another mini celebration because I was assigned to publish during the last week of August and I wouldn’t have to start writing for at least 3 weeks. Hehe. Amazing! I’m amazing!
So, I was thinking about what I wanted to write about. …hmm, a moment where someone told me I was amazing…There had to be a million examples!
Except, there weren’t.
On the outside I can be all, I’M AMAZING, WATCH ME TWIRL!!! And dang woman, I love that energy, but sometimes I don’t agree. And I wanted this to be genuine, my friends.
So, I let the cartoon simmer…
In the meantime, I went to a wedding on the East Coast. I got all beautiful and wore new earrings which were the most gorgeous things ever. People told me I looked amazing, I looked great, gorgeous blah zayyy blah. And yeah, I knew I looked lovely, but I was thinking about how I felt weird because I didn’t have a date. My gorgeous fountains of true light earrings were stunning but they didn’t offer to get me a drink or hold my hand.
After the wedding I went back to my Airbnb and had a great conversation with my hosts. We talked about life and politics and how people who don’t recycle bother us. They told me I was delightful! A few minutes later I scurried upstairs because I was tired, and I need alone time and hot showers to actually pull through on the whole being delightful thing.
While I was my own plus-one I met the matriarch of my favorite Haitian family. We hugged and spoke Haitian Creole. I didn’t feel weird anymore because we both got vulnerable. Did I pronounce all my words correctly? Def not. But that’s the kind of amazing I want to get behind.
On my last night at the Airbnb I was dehydrated and feeling pretty undelightful. I planned to walk to the market for some water. Before I left I was talking to my host, Patricia. She was squeezing fresh oranges for a goodnight screwdriver. God Bless her. I watched and I told her I was going to the market. I asked if she needed anything. She was so surprised that I asked her that. She smiled big time and said no thank you. That’s a cool kind of amazing too. The kind that is rooted in sincere helpfulness and fresh squeezed OJ with vodka.
I left the Airbnb and went to another friend’s place. On my last day I got my period. I was bleeding, emotional and uneasy. I was sad to leave because I experienced a lot of joy during my visit. I cried when I left and my friend later sent me a message saying, “I love you Abby. All of you. Do you know what I mean by that?” still feeling down, I whipped back something like, “yeah, my brain and heart and legs.” Because everyone always looooves my legs, blah, blah they’re tan and long, eyeroll. She replied,
“And when you’re happy and when you’re not and when you’re tired and when you’re raring to go and at yoga and in the car and walking and listening to music and talking and not talking and dancing.”
I read it over and over. The mecca of amazing-ness! I’m amazing even when I don’t feel like I am.
It’s easy to say, “YES I DO (know how amazing I am)”! It feels damn good. But only because it’s surface level shit, you know? I realized that being told you’re amazing or delightful or beautiful doesn’t really matter, whether you believe it or not. What actually deserves the sticker and star is who you are in-between those moments. Can you shine light on moments when you don’t feel amazing? Or feel into why you are doubting yourself? Because, those moments display your true amazing-ness.
These moments can really throw you for a loop dee loop. But, this is when you grow and evolve. The sticky, insecure, nervous parts of us need to be seen and felt: the parts that feel sad or unworthy...the times where we don’t like our outfit and we’re already on the way to work...the times where we run away from being seen and heard by people who love us...and the times when we’re insecure in yoga class because we can’t quite get the damn pose! When we feel all that stuff, and fiercely love those parts of us, is when we are the most amazing we could ever be.
So, yeah, of course I know…I AMMMM AMAZING, WATCH.ME.TWIRL!!!
Abby is a Leo who just turned 30!!!! She grew up in Waunakee, WI and now lives in Los Angeles. Abby works on the Netflix treasure known as “Grace & Frankie” and she’s co-creator of “In Bed Early”, a sweet + snarky greeting card company. Abby loves hot yoga, drinking matcha with friends, smoothies and eating all meals from a bowl. She also loves scream singing in the car, learning about her emotional triggers then chillin' out by walking around farmers markets taste testing all the blueberries. Get at her on Insta @abbywalkeronemillion or go to @inbedearly for some f-u-n cards. Love ya, bye!