By Alexandra Lenihan
I’m taking the GRE next Wednesday.
If you’re like me two months ago, then you don’t know what that is. The GRE is the SAT for graduate school. It tests writing, verbal reasoning (english), and quantitative reasoning (math).
I planned on skipping the blog this week because I only have one week to go before I take this test, and I need to study. But, alas, my addiction to meeting my own arbitrary deadlines (I’m gonna draw every single day for 5 years!!!! And if I don’t I’ll die!!!!), kept me from letting it slide.
Luckily, me taking the GRE fits right smack dab into the blog theme for September: Goals.
Taking a standardized test is sort of a left field move for me. I am an artist of many mediums, and would not describe myself as an academic. Neither would anyone who knows me. But, I want to go back to school.
PHEW! I’m so glad the computer didn’t explode when you read that. I was really nervous to say it and type it and have anyone other than my really close friends and family know it in case 1. It blows up in my face, 2. It’s a really stupid idea, or 3. I guess for some reason I was afraid it would make your computer explode??? Idk. Fear is irrational.
Aside from you and your precious computer, I was also really afraid to tell people I loved that I wanted to go back to school. I imagined them being disappointed because they think I’m giving up on my dream, or I don’t believe in myself, or I’m wasting my god given talents. I was afraid of people treating me like I failed at the thing I wanted to do and had to go to plan b, (aka the plan they all told me to have in my back pocket “in case the whole acting thing doesn’t work out.”)
I was operating under three major false pretenses in making these predictions. The first is that anyone cares enough about what I’m doing with my life to spend their disappointment on me. The second is that anyone who really loves me wants me to be anything but happy and healthy. And the third is that other people’s opinions matter.
When I did begin to tell people about my new plan A, I braced myself for exclamations of “BUT YOUR DREAM!” Or, a head tilt to the right, a frown and a quiet “It’s not working out, huh?” Or, maybe, a cautious, “isn’t your undergrad degree in acting?.. Will you be able to get into grad school with a degree like that?” Spoiler alert, I instead got calm, kind reactions more in line with “That’s a great idea. You’re gonna be great.” Of course.
Ok, so everyone who supports me normally was being super supportive. Somehow I didn’t see that coming, but there we were.
My next hurdle was being honest with myself about not wanting the life I thought I wanted. I had my own voice inside my own head exclaiming “BUT YOUR DREAM!” What about my dream? It’s hard to let go of something I’ve been loudly wanting for most of the years of my life. It is part of my identity. If I don’t want my job to be “artist” or “actor“ anymore, then who the heck do I think I am?
I felt oddly guilty for wanting to abandon MY DREAM! I felt it tapping on my shoulder like “... are we still besties tho?” I wanted to say yes! We’ll always be besties! Ur my ride or die AND my main bitch! Screw everything else it’s me and you forever baby!!!
I wanted to want what what I’ve always wanted, but I just...don’t anymore. I want different things. I have other DREAMS! too. I have dreams of a new, entirely different career, dreams of expanding my mind in ways I’ve always wanted to, dreams of pushing myself to do something I never thought I’d be “smart enough” to do. I also have dreams of a retirement fund and a college fund for my future children and dreams of not having a panic attack every time I have to pay my credit card bill.
So what then?
Well, then is now, and now comes a divorce. For me, in my life, I want to divorce the concepts of artistic mastery and monetary success. I am realizing that I can strive to be a better artist for the rest of my life, without striving to make art my business. I will still be an artist. I will still be just as much of an artist as anyone else who makes art, whether they make money making art or not. I’m still a writer even though I don’t make money writing for this blog, aren’t I? And you’re still a sculptor if you make a vase and give it away for free, and a cook if you make lasagna only for your family. And if I make art, even if I’m not selling it or trying to become a star or make a living off of it, I am still an artist.
So, whether I get all 130’s* in every section on the GRE, or I get a one jillion trillion million, I’ll either be an artist who did horribly or an artist who did great on a standardized test.
*Weirdly, the lowest possible score in each section of the GRE. Maybe someone needs to teach the GRE people about math, huh?! Ever heard of A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN?? HUH??
Alexandra Lenihan is the creator of & artist behind @len.10.10. She is the editor-in-chief and head writer of this blog. She is also a filmmaker, actor, and overall solid human being. She lives in Los Angeles. You can find her on instagram @len.10.10 and her upcoming webseries, co-created with Vanessa Reseland, @remarkablewomenshow