By Charlotte T. Martin
From the people who brought you the KonMari method of decluttering your life comes a new method for decluttering your brain before suffering a total emotional collapse: the CharMari Method.*
*the CharMari method is in no way related to the system of simplifying and organizing your home by getting rid of physical items that do not bring joy into your life, as popularized by Marie Kondo.
So. You’ve mastered simple** practice of asking “Does this weird tchotchke I won at a state fair with my high school boyfriend spark joy? No? Toss it!”. Great work.
**KonMari is not simple, it is simplifying.
But perhaps you noticed that--while tchotchke-free--your life is still feeling a little...messy. A little...as they say...out of control. Friend: the CharMari method is for you.
STEP ONE: THANK THE HOME
Both the KonMari and the CharMari method begin with thanking the home itself. KonMari demands that you kneel silently in the foyer of your actual home and say a little prayer of thanks to the building while the blood slowly stops flowing to your legs.
In CharMari, the “home” is your life. Your whole life. From your first memory to your most recent interpersonal interaction.
Take a moment to be grateful for your life.
I’m fucking serious. Take a moment.
Good job.
STEP TWO: PILES
Next, one must make piles and piles and piles of everything in one’s closet.
Yes: everything.
It can be helpful to categorize these closet-dwellers as you extract them. Some categories might include:
- Embarrassing episodes (“It was me who farted at that party. Me.”)
- Shameful secrets (“I am in insurmountable credit card debt.”)
- Proud accomplishments (“I won a very prestigious award.”)
- Painful memories (“They screamed at me in front of my friends.”)
- Failed relationships (“They didn’t say ‘I love you’ back.”)
- Cherished friendships (“I can call them when I need to cry.”)
- Dogmas/doctrines (“Masturbation is evil and wrong.”)
- Social constructs (“I’m for sure a high-femme woman.”)
- Political identities (“I’m a democrat!”)
Pile ‘em up. Everything you are, once were, and aspire to be.
STEP THREE: DOES IT SPARK SHAME?
And now the hard part.
Hold each one of these things in your head/heart/hands and ask yourself:
Does this spark shame?
For example: “Did I earn that prestigious award? Or do I feel embarrassed because someone just gave it to me and I know I didn’t work for this?”
Answer: I earned it. I earned it like hell. I earned like the wind. I’m proud of it, and it represents me well. KEEP!
Other example: “Why do I feel like masturbation is sinful and wrong?”
Answer: Because I went to Catholic school lol. Someone told me it was sinful and wrong and something to be ashamed of. But then I found out that...everyone masturbates??? And no one could ever really answer why it was sinful to begin with??????? TOSS!
So if (read: when) you find that the thing you are holding in your heart/head/hands demands an explanation (which is to say: if it is not immediately clear to you that it keeps you safe or brings you joy or makes you feel accomplished/good/capable/worthy/warm) then you do not need it.
STEP FOUR: SORT
Thank this thing for everything it has taught you by way of good lessons and bad lessons. Take a moment to say goodbye, and then write it down on a piece of biodegradable material like paper.
No, stop. Not your Notes app. Real-ass paper (or whatever trendy, sustainable, biodegradable material we’re using now. Paper straws?)
With each thing your pluck off the pile, evaluate if it falls into the Does Not Serve Me category. If it does, write it down on your beeswax tablet or whatever.
STEP FIVE: LET IT GO
And now...you must let it go.
Gently. Kindly. Nothing violent.
No burning, drowning, or tearing to shreds.***
***You may, however, cut it up into tiny pieces and mix it into your compost. So poetic!
Maybe toss it in a USPS mailbox.
Or bring it out to coffee and recycle it when you leave.
You can even bring it to your therapist and tell them you’ve mastered the CharMari method, and then explain to them what the hell you’re talking about and leave your list on their couch when your hour’s up.****
****Full disclosure: you will not master the CharMari method in an hour of therapy or even two hours of therapy. In fact, you will likely spend the majority of your adult life merely attempting to approach basic proficiency in the CharMari method. This is because it is difficult. It’s difficult to un-learn and de-program all of the bullshit you’ve swallowed since Day One of your life on Earth. Letting go doesn’t mean you have a Fixer-Upper-style reveal of your Brand! New! Self! It is a slow and possibly agonizing process. All those skeletons and shames and undeserved pride will keep coming back to you and asking to be let in, and each time you must say “No. It’s time for you to go.”
Even fuller disclosure: the founder of the CharMari isn’t even close to mastery! She is currently confronting the confusing and deeply uncomfortable ramifications of being mixed-race in America and identifying as “queer” instead of “a lesbian”. She is wondering why we learn about calculus in high school but not personal finances or how elections really work. She is also starting to think about the divine and why it makes her skin crawl to call it “God” but gives her tremendous comfort to acknowledge that it’s definitely out there. Somewhere. Right?
Good luck out there, CharMari practitioners! And look out for the global bestseller and Netflix series***** on the CharMari method!******
*****There is no book or Netflix series.
******CharMari isn’t technically a real thing unless, of course, you want it to be.
CHARLOTTE T. MARTIN knows that the "T" is pretentious-sounding, but there are a f*ck-ton of Charlotte Martins in the world. She could've just gone with her wife's very very unique last name (she did take it, legally speaking), but Charlotte wrote this damn essay--not her wife. When she's not on a soapbox about her own name, Charlotte is is a screenwriter, playwright, and otherwise all-purpose writer. Through a deft combination of faking it, speaking with authority, and learning from countless mistakes, she now considers herself a writer who can be extravagantly flattered into acting. In November 2019, Charlotte’s short script, “MELISSA” was one of five projects selected for the Tribeca Film Institute’s Through Her Lens program. Congratulations on making it to the end of this bio! Please vote wisely this November.