By Rachel S. Fox
I don’t know what she was thinking, but Len asked me to write a blog post about LOVE for February. ME.
For clarification: my boyfriend of SEVEN years and I just broke up.
I’m embarrassed about this next sentence, but I watched Eat, Pray, Love after the breakup. To be completely transparent, I didn’t know what it was about. But turns out, HEYYYY it’s about a divorce, and Julia Roberts’ journey to overcome the fallout. She goes to Italy, India & Bali, to (surprise!) eat, pray and love.
Did anyone else find Julia....annoying in that movie? She’s majorly confused and keeps changing her mind and it’s negatively affecting all of the people in her life. Am I that annoying right now? AM I? DON’T ANSWER THAT.
Fuckkk.
Julia Roberts spends the entire movie learning how to forgive herself for being fucking annoying AND THEN at the end, she’s really fucking annoying again, until she finally makes up her mind and runs into the arms of the chiseled, brooding Javier Bardem. (I MEAN OBVIOUSLY, WHO TF WOULDN’T FORGIVE THEMSELVES FOR JAVIER BARDEM?) But how long is that going to last, Julia??? He lives on the other side of the world and Julia, as you already discovered, you are literally NEVER CONTENT WITH ANYTHING EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE A FUCKING TRAVEL WRITER.
But wait...is that...life?
The movie obviously prompted a lot of feelings from me, including bitterness.
I’m 30. Why am I not a cinematographer or a published writer or idk can I just be Jameela Jamil? What does she do every day? How do I date other people when I don’t even know who I am? Am I accomplished enough? Am I making enough money? Am I too old to have kids?? SHOULD I BE FREEZING MY EGGS?? Is everyone just forgiving themselves for being mediocre every morning? Are you looking in the mirror and saying, “I’m not literally Emma Watson...but that’s okay!” Geez, I’ve never met anyone who is gleefully exclaiming into the universe, “I LOVE MY JOB! I LOVE MY LIFE! I HAVE IT ALLLL TOGETHER! WOOO!”
I like my job some days. And I love my friends. And my cat. But do I feel InSaNeLy guilty about not having more to show for my time on this godforsaken planet?
Yes.
I’m trying the online dating thing. Honestly, I’m into it. It’s like dating for dummies. It’s so easy it’s DANGEROUS. (TG I didn’t have this in my early twenties, Jesus Helena Bonham Christ.*) I get nervous before dates not because I’m scared of men, (lol they’re scared of me, motherfuckers,) but because I have to fucking talk about myself for a couple of hours. “Oh hi, I’m Rachel and I work in the film industry but I kind of hate the film industry. Also, did I mention I have a cat?”
Do I wait to date until I have more to say? Or do I just tell all my Tinder dates about my therapist? (Fuck, I think I already did this.)
I spent the month of January watching TV. Yes, in the midst of an identity crisis, I challenged myself to relax. Normally I like to check everything off my to-do list before I even sit down. And yet, after years of to-do lists, I’m still waiting for that magical feeling of completion to assure me YOU ARE SOMEBODY WORTH KNOWING.
I guess I’m hoping that somehow out of the ashes of my broken body (did I mention I have a broken rib?? Thank you to the FILM INDUSTRY which you’ll remember I kind of hate. ALSO, it was four days after my relationship ended and a week before I had to move out of the house. With a fucking broken rib. Goodbye.) As I was saying, I’m hoping that somehow out of the ashes of my broken body will emerge the new me who is proud enough to talk myself up to Tinder dates. Until then, does anyone know if the new season of Sabrina is any good?
This is not an advice blog, as Len.10.10 has so nicely reminded me. I’m sorry if the title was misleading. I don’t have any of the answers to my own questions. In fact, if you have the answers, please find me on Tinder or Hinge or Bumble. I’ll be there, biding my time, waiting for enough money to travel to Italy, India and Bali where I can meet a bunch of other white people to tell me how amazing I really am.
*This is a Magicians reference. Please watch it.
Rachel works as a 1st AC on commercials, tv and feature films in Los Angeles. Her job consists of turning a little knob that changes the focus in the shot and (sometimes) teaching the cinematographer how to roll the camera. In her spare time she is currently writing young adult fantasy, photographing the California landscape and trying to figure out who she *truly* is. Please contact her if you have any questions about Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter.